Coeur d'Alene Half Marathon and a Digression (or Two)

 

Which one ran the half? Ask us to stand up...

The reason why I only write about marathons and not half marathons is because with the half marathon I tend to have very little to work with. As much as I enjoy running half marathons, the heart of the matter lies in the struggle, and things get way more interesting beyond 13.1 miles. Even a poorly executed half marathon ends without mortal reflection or a tapping into deep physical or mental reserves. For those that have never ran a marathon, it is NOT simply two half marathons. One may say it's more comparable to three half marathons, but I truly believe it is apples vs. oranges...or apples vs. some kind of fruit that tears you up from the inside out, yet leaves you euphoric and full of yourself. 

I have ran three half marathons so far this year, and I have to say I did not miss the pre-marathon race week stress that accompanies the marathon. My version of taper madness has ranged from mild fretting to full on psychosomatic injury or self sabotage. I have had real afflictions, like a kidney stone that I passed fifteen minutes before race start. Talk about stress! I did not miss the crazy marathon dreams, where I found myself showing up late to the race wearing wooden clogs and carrying my purse. I slept pretty damn good the nights before these races!

The first two half marathons I ran this year were planned half marathons. My next full marathon was supposed to be the Coeur d' Alene marathon in Idaho, but...

Last year, as Covid took over our lives, I started having back troubles. The initial "blame game" was placed on becoming less mobile by Covid (no more job, gym, yoga...), then Toby's bike accident (hours in hospital chairs, etc), and then my sister's sudden death, the crushing final blow. The pain would start out as a general tightness, which would increase until it felt like someone jumped on my back. I finally went to a back doctor who revealed this:

One of these is not like the other

Strangely enough, I have a spine compression between my L1-L2 lumbars. It's a mystery. It could be from an accident in my past or even genetic, but surprisingly enough it is not due to running. In fact, let me brag on my other lumbars, as they look pretty good for someone who's ran 56 marathons. The bad news is the only real fix for this is spinal fusion, which is major back surgery reserved for incapacitation, not so I can continue to run marathons. Enter the rabbit hole of pain management, PT, gym work, stretches, blah blah blah...all I can say to those who fall into this hole is to open your mind. Call me Alice, but I have become a believer in so many therapies, gadgets, and stretches. It's been months of hard work with agonizingly slow progress, but I finally made my way back to my regular weekly runs, and able to run half marathons, which is way beyond where I thought I could ever be! I'm not sure if I will be able to move beyond this point, but I'm still working on it, slowly, so we shall see.

I've had interesting conversations with my pain specialist, and yes, the rabbit hole involves this too. He said he tells his patients to stop running at 60. I was 2 weeks shy of my 60th birthday when he said this. One has to imagine what type of 60 year olds he's used to seeing to make such a statement. As he went on to justify his stance I realized I was somewhat of a unicorn in his world. He needs to take a trip around White Rock Lake on a Saturday morning! We tried a couple of cortisone shots without any success so I've moved on, but I would like to go back and show him my progress and tell him how I got there, if for no other reason just so he'll know that it can be done. 

It has been a long road back though, not going to lie. At its worst my back was described as "a piece of rippled cardboard" by one massage therapist who took ten sessions to work out most of the ripples, or knots in my back. My chiropractor was dry needling several muscles surrounding the compression that were more prone to spasms. What little running I was doing involved stopping as soon as the back started tightening up and walking it in. I started working on core strength by returning to the gym twice a week to lift weights, and I became more diligent about doing my "stretch routine", which is mostly moves I pilfered from yoga. Gaining mobility was key. I forced myself to go walking, which I hated with a passion, but I did it anyway.  What's funny is after several months of all this my back started cracking and popping, which is something my back rarely ever did! I have never had this much back movement in my life. 

Before I run. Oh how I miss just running out the door

"Activate the core" before you run

Oh yeah...I did come here to write about the half marathon! Well, there was no drama. I simply got out of the car and ran across the starting line whenever I felt like it, which was 6:15 AM, and proceeded to follow the arrows out of the park onto the course along the lake. I'd be running out and back on what was the second half of the full marathon course, and I timed it so I could catch Kelly and LSP (who were running the full) as they were heading out. (Around miles 11-12 for me). They chose a 5:30 start time, so they got there long before I did. They were supposed to meet me in the lobby so I could come down and wish them luck, but they were freaking out and left before I got down there! So much drama with the full!

The starting line is all mine!

It was a pretty course, but not like level 10 Big Sur pretty. There was a waste water treatment facility and a section of housing construction, but the worst part was a long stretch of no shade on a black asphalt path. The sun was so high, even that early in the morning, that I felt like I was being baked. I told myself this would be the most challenging part of the marathon, especially after it warmed up. I did catch the two of them heading out like I planned, and told them it's all good! (No need to tell them it's going to suck in some parts). The last mile went back into the park, which was madness. People coming every which way, dogs, strollers, just a cluster, and it had one of those circular finishes that goes ALL THE WAY AROUND the finish to the actual line. This is probably one of my top ten pet peeves of a marathon. My back behaved, and I ran just a little bit faster than my last half, but mostly I was, again, just really grateful to be able to run this.

I was saying how unfair it was that the most beautiful stretch of this course was for the full marathon only until I saw how hilly it was! 

Level 10 beauty

It's still interesting to see how all these races have had so many different Covid precautions in place. All of them except for one had bottles instead of cups at the aid stations. All but one of them had rolling starts instead of mass starts. The packet pick ups have been outdoors, except Maryland, which had a drive through packet pick up! None of them had beer at the finish. One race actually checked our temperatures as we entered the corral, and one race made us show proof of vaccination or negative Covid tests before giving us our packets. Some races made us cross the starting line with masks on, and one race wouldn't let us pass through the post race finish "food tent" without a mask. Maddening, yes, but these were assurances of the safety of the race, which were necessary for the race to take place. Approvals were needed. Race directors had to attain certain comfort levels with certain officials. Finding these races was a challenge! 

With the spring season over we look to the fall races. I'm feeling pretty confident that our quest for finding races is over, but what will the fall races look like? What Covid precautions will be in place and in what form? At what point will mass starts resume? When will the beer return? Will it ever be like it was? I'm thinking the answer is no, because we are forever changed.

I will return to write about my next race this fall, but at this point I have no idea if it will be a full or "just a half". Seriously people, stop saying that.

  

Tips for traveling to Races

 

The finish line awaits!

I've been traveling to races for decades and I'm pretty sure I've made every mistake mentioned below. Hopefully you will benefit from my mistakes by heeding my advice...

Packing: Do not rely on the weather forecast and pack everything! Even if rain isn't in the forecast pack for it. This has bitten me more than once. For me, this includes a running hat and a throw away rain poncho to wear to the race start. 

For tops I always pack a tank top, a short sleeved top, and a long sleeved top. Most race day mornings I have found myself deciding which top to wear based on the current temperature and hourly forecast, factoring in wind chill or humidity. Even though I normally run in shorts I throw in a pair of tights just in case.  It helps to lay everything out as if you were about to put it all on, possibly catching something you missed. 

Sometimes I pack "throw away" clothes to wear to the race start, but other times I pack clothes that I bag check for after the race. These decisions are based on the following: Is there a fairly long walk to the race start, will I be standing in a corral for a long period of time, will I be waiting for others to finish or spending a good deal of time outdoors after the finish, will I want to run in two shirts until it warms up and toss my outer shirt along the course. Don't rely on Mylar blankets at the finish line for warmth, as they aren't always there, especially at smaller races.

The things most people forget to pack include: sunscreen, body glide or Vaseline, sunglasses, and race day breakfast, including utensils; a spoon for your oatmeal, a knife for your peanut butter.

No accessory left behind!

Another rule that I never break is: Do NOT put your running shoes or clothes in a checked bag at the airport! Don't put them in a carry-on suitcase either, because sometimes they check your carry-on due to limited space in the overhead compartments, or just because they deem your carry-on is too big. (Even if this is the same carry-on you have had for 20 years; trust me it happens). Carry your race day items in a backpack, and consider wearing your running shoes on the plane. Luggage gets lost, even on direct flights. 

Pre-race planning: Hopefully by race week-end you have a pretty good idea of what works for you in terms of pre-race day lunch or dinner. It would be wise to do some research on the local restaurants and possibly make a reservation. Most people opt for an Italian restaurant, but what I have found is that most Italian restaurants quickly become overwhelmed, especially in smaller towns, so my general rule here is the earlier the better! Even "to go" orders get bogged down. If you have a large party of six or more you will potentially have a more difficult time getting through dinner in a timely manner. You may want to consider splitting up into smaller groups. I have found that a very late lunch works better for me, but then again I eat breakfast before the race, so it's an individual thing. Another thing to consider is eating at other types of restaurants, like Thai for example. (Assuming of course, that you have already tested out Thai food as a pre race meal)!

Going to a local store for "necessary items" is a good idea too

Hotel: There are a few logistical issues to investigate when it comes to choosing a hotel. If it involves your car and a valet driver in the wee hours of the morning this can be an issue. Yes, I've been bitten by this one! It involved a terror-stricken valet guy staring at a mob of twenty plus runners demanding their cars ASAP...make sure you will have access to your car or even better, that you are within walking distance to the race. 

If you are checking out after the race you may want to get a late check-out, so be sure to ask for the late check-out as you check in. The earlier you ask for it the better your odds are of getting it.

If you are staying in a hotel within walking distance to the race, please pay attention to this rule, especially if you are "directionally challenged": On race day morning, as you exit your hotel look around at your surroundings and the street crossings near by. Know what street your hotel is on! It's usually dark when you head out and you're distracted by the upcoming race and blindly following everyone to the race start, so it's very common to get turned around and have no idea how to get back. Yes, I have been bitten by this one, but luckily with today's technology you can find your way back, assuming you have your phone with you...

Race day miscellaneous advice: When mapping out your timeline on when to get up, when to leave the hotel room, when to get to the starting line, etc. factor in extra time for everything. Hotel elevators can be problematic, for example. You may encounter traffic or parking issues if you're driving to the start. If buses are involved, there can be issues there, so it's best to try to get to the buses as early as possible. There have been stories of bus drivers getting lost, eating up a large amount of valuable pre-race time.

 Porta-potty lines can be ridiculously long, even at smaller races, especially if there are way too few of them or half of them are zip-tied shut. (Yes, that really happened). And not that this has anything to do with traveling to a race per-se, but as a rule ALWAYS bring your own toilet paper.

Well it is a stunning backdrop...

General advice: Every time I travel to a new town for a race I do a little research on things to see or do, if time allows. I try to choose local restaurants over chains as well. I'm always pleasantly surprised by the uniqueness or charm of the places I've been that stays with me longer than the memory of the race itself, although I do try to choose races that showcase their town's character as well.

And one last piece of advice: thank the volunteers and let them know how much you appreciate them! 

Enjoy that finish line!

50 State Quest 2020 Update

 

In my last 50 state update I commented that we always plan our races in pencil, as we never know what the future may bring. I said that long before Covid-19!

We did manage to run marathons in 2020, but none of the ones we planned. The one that hurt the most was our big trip planned for Alaska. We did make it to a race in Idaho, but I only ran the half due to injury. Idaho still haunts me! (I broke my foot before the one planned a few years ago). We got creative and went with a trail race in Kansas, since trail races had a better chance of happening than road races. Just before the pandemic hit hard (Feb) Jamie ran Louisiana, and she squeezed in Nebraska just 2 weeks before Kansas! In December it was a Christmas miracle, as my Mississippi marathon was seemingly the only race that didn't get canceled. Completing this one was extra special because I got iced out of Jackson a few years ago!

So now Jamie and I are tied with 12 marathons to go! We both have 9 marathons to run that are the same, and then we each have to run 3 that the other has already ran, so as you can see the planning is quite challenging, even without a pandemic to work with.

Spring 2021 is already iffy, as a lot of races have already canceled or postponed until the fall. We have no idea what we will be running! The fall may be easier to plan, as it appears that "normalcy" may start returning then, but you just never know. Hence, all plans are in pencil...

My Top Most Memorable Runs of 2020

 

Having popsicles 6 feet apart

I've been staring at the screen for what feels like an eternity. At the end of every year this would come easily to me. But today, not so much. I am grateful for all the runs of this year, and am certain they helped my sanity, but I'm not so sure they can overshadow what a horrible year this was. Not to mention all the other awful things that happened in 2020. If someone erased 2020 from my brain I'd be ok with that. But for now it's sitting here in my head, waiting to be poured out in summation, and frankly, I need the closure, so here goes...

The year started off with a bang, January 7, with the death of Neal Peart (of the band Rush), and although totally unrelated to COVID it was a sign. (FYI yes I am a serious Rush fan-one of the few female nerd fans). In February Jamie and I went to New Orleans to run in the Rock and Roll race. It was your typical cluster of a race, followed by a week-end with the masses on the streets of New Orleans, chaotic, crazy, fun, and the last time in 2020 we would have such an experience. In March, specifically March 11, my birthday, the worm turned as the NBA shut down the season. COVID became real. 

For the first few months that followed we all retreated indoors and all runs went solo. They even turned off all the fountains at the lake. We were still naively thinking marathons were going to happen, so we were still running long runs, which were painful to do alone. One of my most memorable runs was a long run in April of 21 miles where we couldn't take it anymore and decided to run together, and it was eerie and empty at the lake. We got some stink eye looks and comments from others that day. In fact, it took awhile before groups started running together again and the fountains were turned back on. 

So Pac trail is normally very busy

Race cancelations started happening one after another, and yet the long runs continued, which was good, because the days grew darker. Toby was hit by a car while out on a bike ride (he ran a red light and didn't see the car). Luckily he survived, but had surgery and intensive recovery to follow. Then later that summer my sister died rather suddenly. She had a bad liver, so we knew this was a possibility, but when it happened it happened quickly. With everything else going on my passing of a 5 mm kidney stone was just a blip, even though it took 3 weeks and finally passed 2 days before surgery. Then came the back troubles, which I attributed to COVID and everything else. Still, even through all of this the runs continued...

Finally, in late August a race did NOT get canceled, so off we went to Mesa Falls Idaho! 

Jamie and Jerod ran the full and Jedonna and I ran the half

It was so fun to run in a real race once again, even though it was pretty small. Great scenery helped!

Back in Dallas we had peeps who were running the virtual Boston marathon, so we collectively put on a "race" at and around the lake. Everybody from our running group and several significant others and family members had a hand in putting this on, which ended up being one of the most amazing events of 2020. 

In the fall we ran a trail race in Kansas, which again was pretty remote, but it felt good to finally run a marathon in 2020. I blogged about it here:

 https://tntlinder.blogspot.com/2020/10/marathon-55-kansas-rails-to-trails.html

As the COVID numbers started rising again late fall I didn't think my next marathon was going to happen, but it did. Blog: 

https://tntlinder.blogspot.com/2020/12/marathon-56-mississippi-gulf-coast.html

Yes, running events did happen, and we had some fun group runs, but there was no White Rock Lake Celebration Run, no Turkey Trot, no local Dallas marathon, no festive hill run, and no NY Eve Loop the Lake, which was beyond depressing. I think it was fitting that my last run of 2020 was alone in the pouring rain. 

As we roll into 2021 it's still the same story, at least for the first few months, with running events canceling or postponing already, but we do have hope that better days will come this year as the vaccine continues to get distributed. I will be curious to see how long it takes for the return to "normalcy" in road races. I'm hoping it happens by Fall...but it might not. The smaller and more remote races have a better chance of happening. We will continue to hunt them down! 

Here's to a better year than 2020, which is a pretty low bar, but hey I'll take it.

Marathon #56: Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon, Biloxi, MS, Dec 2020

 

So many things to say. I encountered the entire rainbow of emotions, which doesn't always happen (Thank God), but it's been one hell of a year, so truth be told it was expected.

Like most marathons scheduled this year I didn't expect this one to happen. Since races were being canceled in the eleventh hour I couldn't fully embrace running it until I was actually at the starting line. Also, I struggled with the idea of wanting to run a marathon during a pandemic, especially when the Covid cases exploded after Halloween and Thanksgiving. I was still struggling with back issues, so the idea of a cancelation would have been met with "it was meant to be". Well apparently running the race was meant to be, as both the BCS marathon and Dallas marathon (on the same weekend as this one) were canceled, but this one wasn't. I wasn't feeling as lucky as I should have, that's for sure!

Toby and I flew out the day before the race, with just enough time to hit the expo (outside at a local restaurant), hit a local brewery, then later dinner to-go from a great Italian restaurant near the hotel. We didn't even see Jedonna and Jamie (running the half) until race morning! We dropped them off at their race start on the way to my race start, with both races starting at 7:00 AM. Both races would run almost entirely along coastal Beach Blvd into Biloxi and finish just outside the MGM Ballpark. Toby said he'd see me around mile 8 or so. I told him to bring my water bottle in case they had aid station issues. I had my doubts that they'd be able to find enough volunteers to help out during a pandemic. Since it was going to be a warm and humid run this would be a big issue for me. He couldn't park at the start, so out of the car I went! I spent most of my time in the super long porta potty line, which was fine, as we all had to wear masks and pretty much keep to ourselves. Hearing the National Anthem brought the reality home to me at last. It was happening!

We all crossed the start in small groups spread out, wearing masks, then I took the mask off and wrapped it around my arm for the finish. Finally, relief, great relief came over me. The sunrise was spectacular, and yes it was warm and yes there was a head wind, but the wind actually helped keep me cool. The water stops were amazing. They were spread out every 1.5 to 2 miles and were always fully functional with enthusiastic volunteers. I liked that you could see the next aid station on the horizon. Those early miles were enjoyable. The scenery never got old. It was just beautiful the entire way. I saw Toby and told him all was good. I wasn't sure when I would see him again, but knew that at some point he'd be running with me. 

Before too long, maybe mile 16 or so, all of them drove by, screaming and cheering out the windows! They asked if I needed anything, but no, I was good. I put on my happy face, which I told myself to do, even though inside I knew I was having a really tough time physically already. I always try to explain the sensation of simultaneously being in extreme discomfort and total joy in these moments. There's nowhere else you'd rather be, but you want it to end as soon as possible. 

Happy face!

Toby was waiting for me at mile 20. Right away I found myself apologizing for the state I was in. At this point my pace had dropped way off, and I had to take walk breaks as well. He tried running in front of me to help block the wind, but I found it annoying. I found myself trying to talk, which wore me out, so I turned my music back on and found a little bit of joy. After all, I was RUNNING WITH TOBY! Ok so it takes him getting hit by a car to run my pace, but still. When I'd do the math and tell him to text the girls waiting at the finish my finishing time he'd tell me to stop it. I was calculating the decline precisely. I was definitely coming in at a personal worst time ever, and I wasn't liking it at all. The final devastating blow was what can only be described as cruel, and that was the course veered onto a highway on ramp, where we ran along highway 110 (I am not kidding). There was a U Turn up ahead, but it was the U Turn for the half! Our U Turn was even further up the freeway! After the U turn we "exited the freeway", and rounded the corner (3 times) to a glorious finish line just outside the ballpark.

priceless pics

Shortly afterwards we all walked to the end of the block and sat on a patio and drank and ate while watching the last finishers get escorted in. A man in an octopus costume greeted the last runner and ran her across the finish line. It was amazing to see.  What a GREAT day for all of us! 

Meeting Anil and Ajay was a highlight for sure

So I ran my slowest marathon ever in 4:44. My ego has been struggling with it, but then again I'm just so happy I had the chance to run this race! It is one of my favorite races. It's very well ran, even during a pandemic, so I can only imagine how much better this race is in "normal" times. Finishing in the Ball Park and partying (with beer) in the ballpark must be a blast. I'm not sure why they insist on running the last 2 miles on the highway though. Maybe they'll change that in the future. Biloxi is a fun town as well. Run this race if you get a chance!

Marathon #55: Kansas Rails to Trails Extravaganza, Ottawa Kansas, Oct 2020

 

"Extravaganza"

I can't believe I ran a marathon in 2020. Finding marathons to run has been quite the challenge this year, but a Facebook page was created to help with this endeavor. Yes, it is called, "Finding Marathons That Won't Be Cancelled", and has over three thousand members so far! This is where I found out about this race. I confirmed that this was the same race my friend Jerod Honrath had once ran and posted about. He had nothing but positive things to say about it, so I added it to my short list of possibilities. It had a good probability of happening since it was a trail race and quite remote. As the short list got even shorter this ended up being the marathon we went with.

I have run trail runs before, but never a trail marathon. Yes, I have run marathons that are on trails, but it's not the same thing! Let me explain. Trail runs are different in so many ways! First of all, they have an assortment of whacky distances. This one in particular has a 100 miler, 100K, 50 miler, 50K, and a marathon and half marathon. Secondly, when you arrive, people are already running and may possibly have been running for hours, and when you leave, same story. Your kiddie run is only a small part of the running adventure taking place. There are no mile markers, no timing clocks, no "water stops" where you run by and grab a cup without stopping, and very few places to see potential spectators. You are required to carry a bottle, which you either fill as you come across crates of water along the trail, or at one of their few "manned stations", that also provide tables of snacks like chips and candy.

Unlike most trail runs this one is on a very non technical, flat, easy course lined up as one long out and back on what used to be a railroad, so getting lost or tripped up was not a worry. The mentality of trail running vs road running is the biggest difference of all. I'm generalizing I'm sure, but most of them are out there for the experience and not so much concerned about how long it takes them. Road runners, in general, are pretty much obsessed with each mile marker split and their overall time. (And possibly placing in their age groups). We are "in a hurry", so to speak. Oh, and on the trail as people pass each other they customarily say, "Good job" to one another. I guess that's better than hearing, "You're almost there"...

Dallas peeps!

I'm not sure during non Covid times if the start would be any more lively than this, since there were only 39 marathoners total, but hey it did feel good to be running in a race! Our group just drove to the start, hopped out of the car, and ran across the starting line in single file. That was it! It was pretty lively during the first half, with a lot of encounters along the path. It was everything from walkers to speedy runners, so it was hard to tell who was doing what distance. The trail itself was very pretty, and the turn around provided the most quintessential Kansas back drop ever!

Remote yes, but beautiful

Not too long after the turn around it got a lot quieter, but I was still enjoying the scenery and the playlist I had put together. I found myself struggling physically though, and continually slowing down, which honestly, was expected. It hasn't been my year. Has it been anybody's year though? What the hell! Mentally, I was so grateful to be running, so I just had to battle the physical stuff. The only one of our group that I was near to at this point was Mike--we were playing tag as he would stop to get rocks out of his shoes and I would stop to dig out stuff from my pockets with my frozen hands. At our last water in a crate stop I told him I didn't think we were going to make 4:30, which inspired him to pick it up and I never passed him again.

It did get hideous near the end. As we entered Ottawa we popped off the trail to run parallel to a busy highway, and then onto a crooked asphalt path with wide cracks patched up with blobs of black tar. My wobbly legs were not happy! We were no longer protected from the cold by the trees either, so it was quite brisk, but luckily we turned off to the finish before too long.

Not snow, just gravel

I had imagined crossing the finish line to be an emotional experience, since it had been so long, but I must say I was not feeling it. I'm still trying to put my finger on it. Maybe it's all the race elements that were missing due to Covid--no packet pickup or expo, no group start, (remembering the standard singing of the Star Spangled Banner and the amped up pre race announcements and music), no spectators at the finish, and no festivities at the finish. Just a table with bananas on it. At least I had my Dallas peeps, including Toby, who took care of us all morning! 

Thank God we had each other!

My time was 4:30:26...not that it matters, right? It's ALL about the experience...hmm...something tells me I'm not a trail runner at heart...

Some training runs are Different than the Others

I don't normally blog about training runs, but it's been a very long time since I've ran a marathon, or any race for that matter, hence no marathon story blogs! This comes as a surprise to no one, as the COVID 19 pandemic has, for the most part, put an end to those. Training plans for the first planned marathon of 2020 went awry as early as March, when my chosen marathon, to be held in May, was cancelled. Since marathons were falling like dominoes at that point it was expected, and on "race day" they had a massive storm hit the area with snow and gale force winds, so I felt like we dodged a bullet anyhow. Training continued for the next feasible marathon in July. It was going to be in Juneau, Alaska, which had the additional promise of happening due to its remoteness. 

Obviously Juneau didn't happen, as plan B, plan C, and plan D didn't happen. We are all now well aware of the fact that NOTHING was going to happen for a long long time. And yes, it's shallow to focus on trying to run a marathon when others are literally fighting for their lives or sources of income or even meals or shelter. The only defense I have is that it gave me something positive to focus on and at times obsess over. Not to mention that running in and of itself was my solace during the madness.

So back to the training run. I really did come here to talk about a run I did in Mackenzie Park in Lubbock a few weeks ago. I drove to Lubbock to visit the "Linder Laws", and decided to take advantage of the lower humidity and run 20 miles. I love running at this park. There's a 7 mile loop that runs through the park to and around Dunbar Lake. There are interesting points of interest along the route, such as an amusement park, a windmill farm and of course a cemetery at the top of a steep hill. My plan was to run the 7 mile loop, pit stop at the car, run a 6 mile loop north of the park, which I haven't really done before, then back out to do the 7 mile loop in the opposite direction.

Toby willingly drove me out to the park and insisted on sticking around while I ran this thing. Normally he'd run too, but on May 13th, while riding his bike, he ran a red light and didn't see the car going 40+ mph that hit him. What could have killed him or left him paralyzed or severely brain damaged left him with a fractured pelvis, broken ribs, and a concussion. A great surgeon put him back together, but his road to recovery has and continues to be a long one. 

Toby flew out beforehand (on crutches by now) to handle family matters while I drove up on Friday. After five hours on the road I was taking the exit to Slaton (where the Linders live) when I saw a text from my cousin saying my sister was in the ICU. I pulled into the Family Dollar parking lot and called him to see what was up. My sister has had her share of visits to the ICU over the years, so at first I wasn't sure it was as bad as it seemed, but after talking to Cliff it didn't sound good.

My sister Donna had her share of demons, the deadliest of which was alcoholism. Fourteen years ago they diagnosed her with end stage liver disease and said if she kept drinking she would die. Fourteen years ago! After some time we began to joke that she'd be smoking a cigarette, and with a drink in her hand be dancing on our graves. She seemed to start losing what little grip she had on self control over the past year, so I started sensing that time was running out for her. Was her time up? I called my parents. They had been with her that morning and called an ambulance. She was very critical and had already been put on a ventilator shortly after being admitted. Her liver was failing. They said it wouldn't do any good to turn around and come back to Ft. Worth because none of us could be in the hospital due to COVID 19. My poor parents were sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring with updates.

That night I put the phone next to my head as I tried to sleep, but didn't really, and got up at 4:00 AM to head to the park. No calls. Maybe she's pulling through like she did before? No news is good news, right? We got to the park around 5:00 AM. As I gathered up my things I handed my phone to Toby in case my parents called. We were discussing what he should do if they would call to say she died while I was out running when the phone rang. It was my dad. Donna had died.

I was numb. My only thought was to start the run and let it flow into my brain piece by piece, the enormity of what just happened. I thought, well I have 20 miles to let this sink in. Blankly, I started running. It was still dark, but it was peaceful, not scary. There were other runners out there and Toby was driving ahead and stopping from time to time, so it was all good. Pieces started flowing in. What about all of her animals? I need to tell her childhood friends on Facebook. What kind of funeral can we possibly have at this time? What was the last thing we said to each other--I can't remember...

Before I knew it I was at the lake. I kept hearing this sound across the water that almost sounded like a baby crying. It was a strange high pitched shrill of a sound. Once I rounded the other side of the lake and made it over the Cemetery Hill I realized what the source of the noise was. In the field sat a rather large fox, just sitting there crying out. I had no idea they made such a sound. A street light was shining on him so there was no mistaking that it was him. I just stopped and stared at him, which startled him. He made some weird garbling sound at me and ran off. I have tons of strange encounters with wildlife in the dark, but this was one of the strangest yet.

The sun was rising as I made it back to the car for a pit stop. My only complaint was that my back was bothering me. It has been bothering me off and on and I've been blaming it on lots of things; not being as mobile because I was no longer working, not going to yoga, not doing my regular stretching routine, sitting in chairs in the ER and hospitals for hours on end, and for three weeks I dealt with passing a rather large kidney stone! I had just driven five hours in the car, so I attributed this morning's back pain to that. I told Toby he had plenty of time to go get coffee as I ran the next 6 miles, and headed north of the park for part 2 of the run.

Almost right away I started having issues with this section. First of all it started out ridiculously hilly, which caused my back to tighten up even more. After a few turns onto the main out and back portion I doubted I was on the right road because it was very dismal and sketchy. I had used the Strava heat map to map this section out, which is a great tool that shows where people run in any given town, so it had to be right. Sure enough I saw a few runners along the road eventually. Still, note to self not to run this section again...I had my music with me this time, but my mind was still too busy thinking about Donna to turn it on. Even though we were only 2-3 years apart in age we had almost nothing in common. We we never close as kids, but we were even further apart as adults, living our lives in completely opposite directions. Before the alcohol there was drug addiction, which she overcame. As long as she was alive there was the hope that she'd overcome the drinking too. And now that hope was gone. She was gone. She was funny as a kid. She would have us in stitches with her impersonations. She liked dumb movies and so did I, so we did share that. The other day I watched "Ready or Not" and almost instinctively went to text her to be sure to watch it. (Seriously, check this movie out. It is crazy dumb but funny as hell). I'm not haunted by what wasn't said or known. We knew we loved each other, but I started to feel the haunted feeling that she was gone completely, definitively. 

As I hit the hills heading back to the car my back was hurting so bad that I had to stop and walk. I tried all sorts of bends and twists to no avail. I even took a 2nd Aleve, which I rarely do. I approached the car with a lot of negativity about the situation. Toby tried to help loosen up my back as I refilled my water bottle for part 3 of the run. I told him I'd blast my music and power through it, just 7 more miles, and walk the hills if I had to. He said he'd drive up to the base of the first hill and wait for me there, and off I went. You're probably wondering why he didn't just tell me I should quit. The same reason why I didn't tell him not to buy a new bike. 

The first mile out was pretty flat, which made it fairly easy to get moving again and fall into some semblance of a rhythm, but it didn't last long. I felt like I was pushing on the pedal of a car with no gas. I had absolutely nothing inside of me to keep moving me forward. Without consciously deciding to do so I started walking. I was done. I saw the car in the parking lot across the street from the hill and crossed over, walking towards the car. Toby saw me coming and pulled out a camping chair from the trunk, where I plopped down and burst into tears.

We drove back to Ft.Worth that day and spent the night with my parents, and have been living in the whirlwind that follows the death of a family member ever since. I saw a doctor about my back, and while explaining to him how I felt this weight on it like someone was sitting on it I realized that my body was doing what it has instinctively done all my life, and that is it was saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Deal with your emotions. For the first time in forever my runs became unstructured and mostly alone. My back is loosening up, but I still find myself walking some, stopping to take in things, like just yesterday I stopped to watch the sun rise over the lake. I don't have any fight in me to do much else right now and that's ok. 

Ironically, our plan F (or is it plan G?) marathon is actually happening in just two weeks and I'm not running the full. I'll run the half while Jamie runs the full. There's still a chance that the race will be cancelled, so I'm trying not to get too excited. Very few marathons have taken place since March, and sadly, very few marathons will take place in the near future. Trying to make sense of 2020 so far has been an act of futility and probably not helping my back pain, so I'm trying hard to accept this current day to day life as is, with its many many limitations and non-stop negativity. Day by day, find the gratitude, no matter how hard, for being here, and for being alive. That's the goal.